*** toast-it-note: to gain full understanding of what the hell is goin down in this entry you may want to first read the entry entitled "fuckery abounds" by conveniently clicking here, ya fuck. ***

aside from the mindnumbing pain and/or loss of useage of my right appendage, this whole slashing my hand open thing has been the most humor inducing atrocity to befall me in quite some time.

you see, when you have a hand bandaged up it gives people a reason to talk to you. some people that i've had in classes and what not all semester that never said a word to me are fairly concerned with my well being now. it's pretty rad due to the fact that i really don't want to tell the stupid story over and over and over again, so to keep myself entertained, i make up tragic tales of travesty (that was alliteration, fuck-o...best recognize) off the top of my head each time i'm asked.

when my boss asked me what happened i told him "well when i was down in vegas, the producers of 'law firm runners gone wild: spring break 2002' were trying to get me drunk and i was half way there and i saw this other dood who was a runner and i was like 'what up dooder' and he was like 'edward m. berrinstein and associates is the greatest law firm in all of nevada' and i was like 'sorry dooder, you must be thinking of avansino melarky knoble and mulligan which is in fact the greatest law firm in nevada' and he was like 'you wanna fight about it?' and i was like 'i would if there was anything to fight about but it's plain and simple fact that avansino melarky et al is the greatest law firm in nevada' and then he pulled out a butterfly knife and swung at my face and i pulled my hand up to sheild my eye for i knew that if any damage came to my eyes i would not be able to preform my runner related duties..." my boss, a lawyer with a sense of humor, laughed for a very long time.

yesterday standing in line at the courthouse some weird old woman was like "oh my! what happened?" and i was like "well i went down to vegas to visit my kids over spring break" and she was like "kids?" and i was like "yea, two girls and a boy...7, 4, and 2...my babies' mamma and i got divorced last christmas.." and she was like "i'm sorry to hear that" and i was like "yea so anyway i wanted to take em out to have fun and everything so i decided we should go to this little petting zoo that these people run out of their home on the west side" and she said "oh my i've never heard of anything like that" and i was like "yea i know the people...it's just a front for the meth lab they have in their garage" and she said "oh my" and i said "yea so anyway we're having a good time feedin the lambs and the goats and turtles and shit and i go over to this little baby lamb and i'm pettin it and it's just the cutest thing. but then i see it's mom lookin at me all weird and i hold up my hands like it's ok but she starts walkin towards me and circling me and i hold out my hand so it can sniff it or whatever like you do with dogs but instead it just lunges forward and starts tearin out chunks of my hand" and the lady was like "oh my heavens!" and i was like "yea it was nuts...so the kids didn't notice or anything so i kick that fucker in the face and run to the other side of the fence and i'm bleeding like a stuck pig over here but i don't wanna freak my kids out, you know? i mean i only get to see em like once every 4 months or so and i'll be damned if i'm gonna spend the whole time with em in the hospital, so i took off my shoes and took off my socks and tied my socks around the hand that was bleeding. then i had to keep my hand in the pocket of my jacket so they wouldn't see it and i had to drive home with one hand on the wheel and the other in my pocket and then vandellin, she's the oldest, says she wants carl's jr and i figure all right we'll go through the drive-thru but she says that mom doesn't let them eat in the car so i said 'yer mom's not here' and she insists we go inside and i'm a little antsy at this point cuz i've lost a lot of blood. so we go inside, one hand in my pocket, the other holding zoie, the 2 year old, with emkcuf, the 4 year old, tugging at my jacket" and she was like "emkcuf?" and i was like "don't ask" and then it was my turn to file my shit at the counter so i did so and then i went outside and had a smoke. halfway through the old lady ran outside and said "so what happened next?!?!" and i was like "oh yea...um...where was i?" and she was like "carl's jr" and i was like "oh yea. so i drag the little rug monkeys up to the counter and vandellin orders a chicken sammich and i tell her to get my wallet out of my back pocket cuz i'm holdin zoie and she says it isn't there so i tell her to hold her sister for a minute and i find out she's right. my wallet ain't there." the lady starts laughing and goes "oh my god! when are you gonna get a break?!" and i'm like "yea no kiddin. all this and i'm about to pass out from lack of blood and i can't help but wonder if i got rabies or something now and i realize my last tetnis shot was in like, 2nd grade. so i realize it must have fallen out during my skirmish with the crazy sheep thing so rather than drag these kids around all day i just take em back to their mom's apartment. now i can't tell her what happened cuz all she'd say is somethin like 'oh god...yer just a walking disaster aren't you?' and i didn't feel like puttin up with that. so i'm keepin my hand in my pocket and the kids are givin me hugs and whatnot and my babies' mamma is like 'what's that on yer jacket?' and i'm like 'where?' and she's like 'there...by the pocket...it looks like blood' and i was like 'naw...it's ketchup...we stopped at carl's jr' and then vandellin was like 'but we didn't eat anything!' and babies' mamma looks at me with that fucking look...you know the one...and i was like "sorry i gotta jet" so i said goodbye and i got out to my car and as i opened the door i passed out from the blood loss." the lady was like "oh heavens!" and i was like "yea...when i woke up it was dark...so i went back and got my wallet and explained to the people there what had happened and they got the first aide kit and fixed me up real good." the lady just sat there and looked at me for a minute and finally said "wow. you could write a book about that!"

well, i suppose this is close enough.

rock the parcel.

uh huh.

word.