when it was decreed throughout the land that ass-crack was the "new cleavage", i scoffed. oh how i scoffed! many a chuckle bellowed from my soul as well as things like "the day i'm psyched on ass-crack is the day you all can skull fuck me silly." well, line up good citizens. if you were born sans-penis, invest in a good dildo cuz it's time to violate every cranial orifice i have and perhaps make some new ones. i'm sorry, oh blessed enlightened creators of low-rise jeans! there was doubt in my heart and i was led astray by a weak sex drive and a certain amount of morality! but the fall weather has come and with the reappearence of coats and lengthy sweaters, my life is devoid of what you so divinely fortold as the new cleavage! i wept - oh how i wept! - when this morning in my anthropology linguistics class i was unable to ascertain the color or even existence of the undergarments that may or may not have been present on the soft, supple lower hemisphere of the temptress - nay - siren who takes her seat next to mine. unbearable, it was! like yoda i talk so unbearable it was! i beg, beseech, implore, plead, and a host of other verbs that aren't in my vocabulary, you to remedy this situation before what little is left of my manhood wilts away like a forgotton flower. a flower that needs not sun nor water, but ass-crack as far as the eye can see. a mistake of evolution this flower may be (much like carrot top), but there may be heavy fines to pay if you cause it's extinction. enough with the ineffective metaphor - it's time for action!!!

possible steps to remedy my pain:

1. declare a new trend of mid-drift coats. (feckless yet genius)

2. *super* low rise jeans. (will not be sold in utah. don't even fight it.)

3. weather control device making las vegas prime weather year round for the knock-out mid-drift low-rise combo.

4. manditory d.n.a. modification forcing evolution's lazy ass to kick it up a notch and make humans cold-blooded thus negating the need for coats.

5. kick god in the fucking balls and tell him to send some shit down saying for the members of the fairer sex to suck it up and take one for the team. ass-cracks 24/7!

alright then members of the clothing design community. i've presented my argument, now get on it. as we speak, the girl at the computer next to me walked away and she may as well have been wearing a couch. a little bit of me is dying every second.

hurry...

not much time...