what? oh yea. ok so...

so today i was thinkin about how my buddy dr. nick and i used to go to raleys and eat the jelly bellys(TM) out of the bins like everyone did except we hate the word "belly" so we called them "jelly torsos." well..i dunno. i thought it was funny.

speaking of funny, some kid's dad killed some other kid's dad cuz they got in a fight at a pee-wee hockey game. oh wait. i'm sorry...that's not funny. that's fucking hillarious.

speaking of fucking hillarious, you know what is not fucking hillarious? the steve harvey show on the WB.

speaking of people with no sense of humor, this woman used to work at my office and i thought she was pretty nice and everything but one day i found out she was an ordained minister. then i made the mistake of talking to her about my feelings on religion or lack thereof and got an hour long lecture about "JC" and what a "groovy guy" he was. then one day i was down in the vault and she came down to grab some file and because i felt all akward i told her that my back was hurting cuz i slept on it wrong. then she said "you want me to pray for you?" and i laughed and said, "yea, you do that." so she said "ok, turn around." so at this point i turned around thinking she was gonna pop my back and make a humorous joke to the effect of "see? jesus saves!" personally, i thought that would have been kind of funny. but instead she put her hand on my back and started praying. it went something like this: "oh lord my god please hear my prayer. bestow unto this young man your guiding light and restore the muscles in his back to health so that they may function in the way you in your infinite wisdom disigned and intended them to. blah blah blah etc. amen." she sat there in silence for a moment as did i. then i turned around and flung my arms in the air and yelled "i can walk! hallejulia!!!" she didn't think it was very funny. but she got fired like a week later cuz she sucked ass and figured that she wouldn't have to actually do any work if she prayed for it to be done. haha...sucka muthafukka.

speaking of fucking mothers, there's this dood matty and his mom is super hot and she had sex with the guy from smashmouth and my buddy brianface and i wrote a song about her and how much we wanted to do the dirtiest of dirty deeds with her and for some reason matty didn't think this was very funny. by that logic, his lack of cognitive ability to ascertain what is or is not humorous would make him a great candidate for a writing position on the steve harvey show.

speaking of steve harvey, he still isn't funny.

speaking of aging comics that need to go die, i've come up with a fabulous plan to rid the world of this vermin. i am going to be the leader of an organization that is responsible for some agregious national tradgedy and when they catch me and the eyes of the world are on me and they ask me why i did it, i'm going to say, "i did it for jeff foxworthy, martin lawrence, carrot top, gallegher, and chris tucker because i love them sooooo much." then their acts will be banned and they will be put to death so that they may never accidently inspire another sadistic madman. jihad or bust, yo.

speaking of jihad, i was listening to the bbc world report on npr the other night and they had an on the scene reporter in afghanistan and i swear on abe vigoda's eyebrows her name was barbara jihad. destiny calls, collective dooder.

speaking of destiny, i went to school with a girl named destiny and she was really nice and super cute and she could kick my ass and i think she played softball. she was kind of this little chola gangsta type girl but not really. at any rate, she always looked at me weird but one day i started talking to her and she couldn't belive i wasn't a heroin junkie weirdo. so then we were kind of friends and then i never heard from her after high school until one day we were having a bbq at big poonjabi's house and she was there and believe it or not she was still totally cute but she didn't really talk to me much. oh well...at least the bbq was good.

speaking of bbqs at the poonjabbers hizneau, we had a bbq that was just me and poonjabi and dr. nick and poonjabi's family and a wasp stung his little sister and we got pissed cuz nobody fucks with the poonjabi household so we waged this big gnarly war on the wasps and put war paint on with markers and took those big "noodle" floaty things and started killin wasps by the dozen. when the wasps finally died down we had 25 wasp carcasses give or take a couple and we put them in the dirt and made a pentagram out of lighter fluid and sent those little girl stinging heartless wasp bastards back to hell from whence they came. sadistic? no. very very neccissary.

rock the parcel.

uh huh.

word.